Fangirls Anonymous
by Lynet Nar
Summary: a new spinoff of ISPCE: a techie is hiding a fangirl. will she lose her job? will elves be endangered? will the fangirl be cured? or will she turn ISPCE workers fangirl? there's only one way to find out... read it, of course! COMPLETE
1. Anime Sues

Disclaimer: I do not own.. well, it's easier to tell you what I DO own. I own Jete, Cheeseball, and the fan girls. Just assume I don't own anything else. If I actually do own it, I don't really care about getting credit. I owe very much of this fic to Huinesoron (author of pancakes and ISPCE), Hirilnara (author of diary of a pancake fan girl and diary of a undercover sue), and Liliac of the purple cloak (author of MEAPS). All of these stories are spin-offs of pancakes, as is this fic, and I strongly recommend you read at least pancakes, if not all of the spin-offs. (Hey, I read them all in one afternoon, surely you can make time) Oh, and if I left out any spin-offs that should be mentioned, or if any of the pancake & co. writers feel offended or something by this fic, please let me know.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Jete heaved a sigh and rubbed her forehead. Her job at ISPCE (Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves) was to repair the technical inventions and keep them in good working order. At the moment, she was having trouble keeping the Sueifier from giving everyone anime hair. As her own guinea pig, she consequently had blue hair sticking out a good ten inches from her head in every conceivable direction.  
  
'I could use a break,' she thought.  
  
No sooner had she sat down, than a gerbil-sized pale green, fuzzy, mouse- like creature bounded across the room, climbed up her royal blue cloak, and into her lap. It was a tola, an animal she had rescued from a dimension created by a doomed, unfinished novel. The only major differences from a mouse were its size, color, and the three finger-like claws at the end of its tail.  
  
"Hey, Cheeseball. What're you up to, huh?"  
  
Jete rubbed his head with her finger. From the corner of her eye, she saw a blue flash.  
  
'Crap,' she thought. 'It must be that portal malfunctioning again. I thought I fixed it.'  
  
She stood, dumping Cheeseball unceremoniously on the floor, and walked over to a worktable, but the portal wasn't there. Then she remembered that she had given it back to Sarah.  
  
'Then what was that flash?'  
  
On an impulse, Jete stooped and peered under the table. Her gaze met a large pair of frightened green eyes. A young teenager with glossy, strawberry blond hair crouched against the wall, clutching a silver pendant that hung on a chain around her neck. A closer look revealed it to be an image of Legolas with angelic wings and a halo.  
  
"Please," the girl whispered. "Please. I need help."  
  
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So, tell me what you think. Do you like it? Do you not like it? Do you think it sucked? Puleeze review! Oh, and I need a name for the fan girl, so I am now conducting an informal contest for the best fan girl name. 


	2. I'm addic i'm addicted to you

Wow, reviews so soon. Well, since you guys liked it, and since I already have the second chapter written, I guess I'll post it now.  
  
Liliac, the reason you haven't seen a tola is probably because they are only found in one dimension that was created by an unfinished novel that I wrote. The dimension is pretty much hidden, and the novel was doomed, but I liked Cheeseball, so I saved him and brought him to ISPCE. And I probably won't be describing the complex too much, because Jete usually stays in the tech section most of the time.  
  
Huinesoron, thank you. I feel honored. And of course a Legolas angel. What else would it be? She is a fan girl, after all.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
"You can't be here," Jete admonished. "You're a fan girl!"  
  
The teen stood next to the table. She attempted to hide her pink leather skirt and feathered scarf, while at the same time clinging to her Legolas idol for dear life.  
  
"I know," she admitted miserably. "I've tried to quit, honestly, but I'm addicted. My friends don't have any sympathy; they just give me Legolas posters and stuff. They don't see anything wrong with it, but it's ruining my life. Please help me. I didn't know where else to go."  
  
Jete's expression softened a little.  
  
"You think I can make a machine to turn you normal?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"It doesn't work that way. You have to quit on your own. I'm sorry."  
  
The pink clad fan girl slumped to the floor.  
  
"What am I going to do?" she wailed. "This was my last hope. I looked; there's no Legolas patches or gum, no F-g A, no support groups, not even one other fan girl trying to get clean. I'm doomed!"  
  
Jete glanced helplessly at Cheeseball, who was sniffing at the girl's scarf. She sighed.  
  
"All right, I'll help you kick the habit."  
  
She sniffed and looked up.  
  
"You will?"  
  
"But no one can know you're here! You could endanger the elves, you could endanger agents; you could endanger my job!"  
  
"Right. Nobody will know."  
  
Jete gave her a warning look.  
  
"Just don't make me regret this."  
  
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sorry it's so short. I'll try to make them longer when I figure out what I'm actually writing about. Again, please review, and please help me think of a name for the fan girl. 


	3. O, be some other name! What's in a name?

Jete sat a fair distance from the fan girl as though she might catch the sickness. Her heart wrenched as the girl told her heart-breaking story.  
  
She had been a normal girl once, into ballet and poetry, going to parties, getting and giving makeovers with friends, and going to movies. Then one movie changed it all. She and her friends had gone at midnight in sweatshirts and pj pants to see the premiere of the Lord of the Rings. Afterwards, the girls, confused but intrigued by the flurry of activity, and enraptured by the skillful blond elf, set out to investigate.  
  
They discovered Tolkien's books and were hooked. Their lives revolved around LotR, especially Legolas. At first it was only innocent posters and calendars, and then it advanced to pink shirts, mugs, pillows, mouse pads, screen savers, notebooks, practically anything plastered with the elf's face.  
  
Then they discovered fan fiction. They began writing furiously, trying to out-do each other in their legomances. Once they tried writing a fic together, but ended up fighting over him. They posted their stories on the Internet, and responded viciously to anyone who accused them of writing Mary sues.  
  
Then one day, one of them got a hit from the PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) Her Mary sue had been incinerated, her fic useless. She was furious, of course, as were all of the girls, but for the one sitting on the floor of Jete's work room, it had been a rude awakening. The obsession had gone too far, and she was hurting people. Her life was gone, replaced by blond hair and pointy ears. She had investigated the PPC, and eventually found ISPCE, where she hoped to get help. She didn't say where she got the portal generator, but she was here now and needed help.  
  
Jete blinked away the beginnings of tears.  
  
"I'm almost afraid to ask," she said," but what's your name?"  
  
The girl looked away with a pained expression.  
  
"Honeyblossom Moonsugardew Starlet Rain," she almost whispered.  
  
Jete winced.  
  
"How 'bout we just call you Moon?"  
  
"But-" she protested.  
  
Jete stopped her with a look.  
  
"You want to be cured, don't you?"  
  
Moon nodded.  
  
"Well, this is the first step. Eventually, you may be able to tell me your real name. The one you had before Leg-" Jete stopped herself before she said the name. "Before Lord of the Rings."  
  
"All right," she said in a small voice.  
  
"Now, let's start over." Jete stood, and Moon followed suit. Jete held out her hand. "Hi, I'm Jete. What's your name?"  
  
Moon shook her hand.  
  
"Honeyblossom Moonsugard-" she withered under Jete's glare. "But it's so.. short! " She whimpered, " Can't I be Honeyblossom Moonsugardew?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Moonsugardew?"  
  
"No!"  
  
She sniffled.  
  
"Hi, I'm.. Moon."  
  
Jete broke into a smile.  
  
"See? You did it!"  
  
Moon slumped.  
  
"But it was so hard!"  
  
"You still did it, and it will be easier to say next time."  
  
"Jete!" A voice rang out, just a few steps from the doorway. After a moment of panic, Jete shoved Moon under the worktable and pushed a box in front of her. And instant later, Sarah walked in.  
  
"Liliac is sending up a couple.." Jete's superior trailed off, eyeing her suspiciously. Jete held her breath and met her eyes, knowing it was certain death to avoid her gaze.  
  
"What happened to your hair?"  
  
Jete let out a silent sigh of relief.  
  
"The sueifier is on the fritz. You were saying..?"  
  
Sarah shook her head to clear her thoughts.  
  
"Liliac is sending a couple new recruits. They will need some basic battle kits, and I'm a bit busy, so I need you to prepare them. Don't worry about explaining it all to them; I'll take care of that. Just bring them to the main room when they're finished."  
  
Sarah left, and Moon scrambled from under the table, rubbing her elbow.  
  
"Ow! I'm going to have a bruise now," she complained.  
  
"Don't," Jete snapped, "Whine."  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Yes, I know I'm kind of breaking tradition by responding to my reviewers at the end, but I was never one for following the crowd. Besides, it's kind of like the credits at the end of the movie. Oh, and thanks to all who helped me with Honeyblossom Moonsugardew Starlet Rain. You all helped immensely. I hope you like the name.  
  
Liliac, thank you so much, and I actually do know roughly where this is headed, the only problem is I didn't know the particulars. But not to worry, I have it under control now.  
  
Hirilnara, yes, I'm evil, am I not? But not quite as evil as that golden brunette. I do think you'll like my newest installment on that.  
  
Phaidra, yes, those are 'sue names. But it's all right. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the two. Does she really want to be cured? Hmmm.. you'll just have to wait and find out.  
  
Malfoyelf, yes, I like the hair, too. I think Jete might keep it, what do you think? And no, actually, those were the kind of names I was looking for, and I used a lot of your ideas.  
  
KittyCatBlack, thank you ever so much for your support. And that name is a 'sue name, but don't worry about it. 


	4. I have seen the dead in the mud FDR

Deep in the desolation of Smaug, a glimmering blue portal appeared in the air. If anyone had been watching, they would have seen four girls tumble out, followed by some sort of strange furry duck. They also would have seen a small, blond girl slip through the portal the instant before it closed. Moon, with Jete's blue cloak flung around her shoulders in an effort to disguise herself, crouched behind rubble and watched as the two girls in brown cloaks headed north with the platypus. Then, Sarah and the figure in the lilac cloak turned and walked south. After a few moments of deliberation, Moon followed the brown-cloaked girls.  
  
It didn't take long to discover that she had chosen correctly. Soon the girls had reached the Wood Elf camp, and had walked smoothly past the guards as if they were invisible. Moon had no such confidence, and only by creeping close to the platypus did she get by.  
  
Within moments, she had lost the group and found herself in the middle of a battle, both sides with an uncanny desire to separate her head from her shoulders. After a bit of dodging she found it easier and less risky to crawl on the ground. She did so, at this point not caring about muddying her clothes as much as staying alive. And finding Legolas, of course.  
  
For that was the reason she had come. She reasoned that what prince would not go into battle with his people? Only an arrogant one, and Legolas was not arrogant. Therefore, he was there someplace.  
  
And that may very well have been, but as Moon crawled through the muck and blood, clutching her Legolas idol and calling his name, she began to lose reason and could not distinguish one elf from another. She slid deeper in the mire, crying, whimpering her idol's name, and wishing she had never left the relative safety of Jete's workroom.  
  
The dull roar faded and Moon looked up. The battle had passed on, and she was lying among corpses, both elven and goblin. Off to her left, she spotted a shimmering blue window. She dragged herself up and stumbled towards the portal, barely making it through. ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Jete looked up from her pacing as footsteps sounded at the doorway. Sarah stood, with a filthy Moon sagging against the doorframe.  
  
"Carrie!" she exclaimed, rushing to the fan girl. "Where were you?"  
  
Before Sarah could comment, Jete answered the unspoken question.  
  
"My cousin. She's visiting, wanted to know what I did. I had no idea she would sneak off. Where was she?"  
  
Sarah scowled.  
  
"She sneaked into the operation with us. She was loose in the Battle of the Five Armies! I trust you will keep a closer eye on your cousin, what was her name?"  
  
"Umm. Carrie."  
  
"And please, inform me of any other visitors. I'll let it go this time."  
  
The techspert glanced darkly around the room once more and stalked off.  
  
"Moon!" Jete exploded quietly. "What in the name of Ilúvatar did you think you were doing!?"  
  
"I- I wanted to see Legolas."  
  
"You wanted to.. ooh... You can't just.. do you think that will help you?"  
  
Moon's eyes brimmed, and tears spilled down her face, streaking through the grime and blood. Jete sighed.  
  
"You better go change and wash up. There's a bathroom over there. I'll bring you something to wear in a bit."  
  
Jete watched the girl head toward the bathroom and ran a hand through her still spiky blue hair. She reflected that she kind of liked the look, and the built in low maintenance of anime hair was very handy. She sighed again and went to find some clothes. ______________________________________________________________________  
  
Ok, I admit it. The first two sentences are not mine. They are the wonderful work of Huinesoron, pulled from his fic, ISPCE. All hail the wonderful, odd people across the ocean who drive on the wrong side of the road.  
  
Malfoyelf, yes, I like it too. I will keep it. And yes, fangirlitis is contagious, but only if you spend quite a bit of time with a fan girl.  
  
Hiri, yes, it is fun. Very fun to write.  
  
Huinesoron, I scared myself with that name. I think it turned out well, as that was the impression it was supposed to give. And thank you for the sentences.  
  
Liliac, yes, I will put in much more LotR. And you'll have to wait to find out those things, though I suppose we will find out her name, as soon as I think of one.  
  
Kittycatblack, thank you ever so much. (Yeah, I know it's short, but hey, so was what you wrote to me. See the correlation?)  
  
Phaidra, Yes, it's too bad, isn't it? But there is a Fangirls Anonymous, now! You have no idea how hard it is to shorten a fan girl's name. As for the others, you'll have to wait and see. (I know, I'm evil, doncha just love me?) 


	5. Non drowsy Allegra!

His dark eyes glanced nervously around the room as he hurried into the shadows. He crept towards the rectangle of light, hugging the wall. Voices floated through the door.  
  
"But why can't I keep them?" one pleaded.  
  
"Look at them!" the other responded. "They're filthy! Completely ruined. You can't wear these. Besides, if someone sees you in this getup, it's all over. It's a blessed miracle Sarah couldn't see any pink feathers under all that mud."  
  
"But.. these clothes are so.. frumpy!"  
  
"Hey! Those are my clothes you're talking about!"  
  
He peeked into the room.. The blond girl was wearing baggy cargo pants and a light blue sweatshirt. The only thing that remained of her previous outfit was the Legolas necklace. The rest of it was in a plastic bag that the Lady was holding with some distaste.  
  
Wishing a closer look, he darted into the room and hid behind a cabinet. Slowly, he poked his head out. Suddenly, the blond spotted him and started in his direction! Cover blown! Run away! Run away!  
  
____________________________  
  
"Gotcha!" Moon exclaimed as she scooped up the tola. "Trying to hide from me, huh, Cheeseball?" She walked back to Jete. "He's really dusty, Jete. You should clean behind that cabinet."  
  
"That's a good idea," she responded as she headed for the trash bin. "Why don't you do that?"  
  
Moon made a face at her back, and Cheeseball climbed into the girl's sweatshirt pocket in search of food. The fan girl, momentarily distracted from her clothing plight, pulled some crackers from a cupboard and sat on the floor to feed Cheeseball.  
  
Jete tossed the bag in the bin and turned to see a young man amble in, leading a small child by the hand. Completely without prelude, he asked, "Do you want this?" His eyes flicked disinterestedly toward Moon. "Hi," he said as an afterthought.  
  
He was tall and lean, with a full head of thick, messy, sandy blond hair. His cloak was grey, but not purposely grey. Rather, it looked as though any color had long ago faded, and it sported a coffee stain and a frayed hem.  
  
The child, on closer inspection, was not a child at all, but a cave troll drastically reduced in size. It stood little taller than a hobbit. With it's vacant face and soft brown eyes, and clinging to the youth's hand, the troll looked anything but menacing.  
  
Jete gasped in delight.  
  
"Oh, he's adorable! Where did you get him, Iddo?" She held out her arms, and the troll pulled from Iddo's grasp to clamber over to her.  
  
Iddo shrugged.  
  
"Behind the paper green files. Don't know how it got there." He scratched an angry red welt on his palm. "Apparently I'm allergic to it. Go figure," he added with a roll of his eyes. "Thought you might like it, considering you got the rat."  
  
"Cheeseball is not a rat!" Moon exclaimed defensively, clutching the tola who was much more interested in the crackers than the new arrivals.  
  
Iddo shrugged again.  
  
"How can you be allergic to it?" Moon asked.  
  
He let out a short laugh.  
  
"I'm allergic to almost everything," he said.  
  
Jete added, "And not all of them are neat little rashes, either."  
  
"You don't even know the half of it," he said.  
  
"I know about your wheat allergy."  
  
"Hey!" he retorted. "Just leave that alone, Sweetness."  
  
"Sweetness?" Moon questioned.  
  
"He calls all girls that," Jete said dismissively. "I don't know why."  
  
The cave troll got up and wandered about the room, fascinated with rudimentary things such as pencils and books.  
  
"So, what does wheat do to him?" Moon asked.  
  
Jete giggled.  
  
"If he eats, say, a sandwich on wheat bread, he's flying like a kite for about three days."  
  
"Hey, until you've gotten high on wheat, you can't understand the experience!" Iddo exclaimed.  
  
"You get high off wheat?!?" Moon said incredulously.  
  
"Yeah," Jete said. "We practically have to keep it under lock and key. After all, wheat is a lot cheaper and more legal than your average crack or shot of heroin."  
  
Iddo scowled defensively at her.  
  
"So what do you do here, Iddo?" Moon inquired.  
  
Iddo leaned casually against the doorjamb.  
  
"I keep records."  
  
"Records? Of what?"  
  
"Anything and everything. Got about as many files as allergies, and I'd like to see you try to count either."  
  
"Iddo keeps records of everything that goes on in ISPCE," Jete said, rocking the cave troll that had climbed sleepily into her lap, tired after his exploration. "If you want to know how many calories were in the breakfast of a certain agent ten years ago, Iddo's got it in a file somewhere."  
  
"That one would be in the paper files," Iddo commented. "Blue, I think."  
  
"Wow." Moon said. "Where do you keep them all?"  
  
"In the basement," Jete replied. "He doesn't really have a department, I don't think." She turned to him. "What color is, err, was your cloak?"  
  
Iddo lifted a corner of the garment in question and studied it for a moment.  
  
"Don't remember." He dropped it. "Never paid much attention."  
  
Suddenly, a loud shriek filled the room, like a nazgul scream, but louder and everlasting. The cave troll woke up and let out a bellowing wail that added to the clamor and made Moon cover her ears.  
  
"OH, NO!" Jete yelled over the confusion. "An elf is in trouble! We have to go!" Iddo was already out the door, and Moon struggled to her feet.  
  
"No!" Jete commanded as she disentangled herself from the troll. "You stay here! Look after Cheeseball and the cave troll! You can't go to the battle!"  
  
Jete dashed into the main tech room where Sarah was waiting with an open portal.  
  
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Oh, yes, now I own more things. So far in this fic I own Jete, Moon, Cheeseball, Iddo, and the baby mini cave troll. The troll is like a toddler now, but it will never grow any larger than a man. Oh, and just so you know, that wheat allergy is real. My teacher's son has that allergy. It's kind of weird. If you know of any other odd allergies Iddo might have, tell me, because he probably does. I would prefer real allergies, but you can make one up, as long as it's fairly reasonable. But I'm not asking, because that would be interactive. I'm just saying, if you think Iddo might have some allergy, ask, and I'll check, but he probably does. ;) And please tell me what you think of Cheeseball's pov. That was an experiment, and I want to know if I should continue it from time to time.  
  
And, I'm sorry, but I won't be posting for a few weeks, because I'm going to Guatemala. I won't have internet access, or time to write even if I did. So, just bear with the delay, reread the fic, or read my others, or read Liliac's, Hirilnara's, or Huinesoron's. I promise, you won't be disappointed.  
  
Liliac, yes, I know, you're correct, Americans are the ones who drive on the wrong side of the road. (though, we also drive on the right side of the road, which is wrong, because it's not left, which is right. Confused yet?) You guys are really wonderful, I admire you all. But everything we do is odd, so why not driving? And yes, I enjoyed getting her dirty too, and it provided an excellent excuse to get her out of that ridiculous costume.  
  
Hiri, thanx. And don't worry, the Master will remove the duct tape soon. But you can still talk to her, even though she can't talk back.  
  
Flor-gurl, yes, addiction is the perfect word for most fan girls, including Moon. Why do you think she needs to break the habit? If you have an addiction to Legolas, (i.e. if that name just sent you swooning) you need to join the Fangirls Anonymous support group. But I'm guessing you're not a Legolas fan girl. You're probably a Frodo fan girl. In that case, if that name just made you swoon, you should also join. Fangirls Anonymous isn't limited to Legolas fan girls; it's just that Moon is the only one in it so far. Yes, I've already given thought to adding another character's fan girl, but I'm not telling you whose.  
  
Huinesoron, my muse, yes, your work is wonderful. And, see liliac's review response for my 'driving apology.' But I still want to know if mailmen in Britain have steering wheels on the left side. American mailmen have steering wheels on the right side.  
  
Phaidra, again I say, if the name Legolas makes you swoon, you should join.  
  
Malfoyelf, yes, I will, and I'm glad I kept the hair. I'm thinking of putting a colored streak in it, though. Maybe white, or silver. And, no, it actually incorporated little of pancakes. Only as much pancakes as is incorporated in ISPCE. That's the Huinesoron fic this one is actually tied in with. 


	6. you're everywhere to me, and when I clos...

Woo-hoo! I feel special! I now have a spin-off! Check it out, it's cool. The Fangirl Conversion Society, by Flor-gurl. Jete gets to be president! Awesome. And, as you probably can tell, I'm back and posting again. And now, back to our feature presentation.  
  
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Jete stumbled through the portal, and for a moment she just stood still, taking stock of her surroundings. It was horrendous, the largest fangirl invasion she had seen. They were everywhere, but fortunately, so was every ISPCE agent available. Colored cloaks swirled around her, yet she couldn't see the one grey cloak she was looking for. She charged into the fray, protecting her fellow agents, cracking fangirl skulls with her long wooden staff, and looking for the elf in distress, but mostly trying to find Iddo. She remembered the last time he'd come across a 'sue. He had almost died. Finally, she spotted him.  
  
Jete rushed to where he was kneeling on the ground. He looked up, and she could see that his eyes were watery and bloodshot, and he was gasping for air.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Iddo opened his mouth to speak, but could only wheeze for a moment.  
  
"P—per—"he gasped. "Perfume."  
  
Jete rummaged through her special med bag and pulled out an inhaler.  
  
"Here, this should help." She handed it to him and began to lecture him. "Why did you even stay once you saw how bad it was? You know you're allergic to everything on a 'sue! You should have gone back."  
  
"And abandon an elf in trouble?" Iddo, still breathing hard, shook his head vehemently. "It's against my training, everything I stand for."  
  
"You could've died!" Jete glanced around her. "You still could. I've got to get you back!"  
  
Just then, a huge red golden shape soared overhead, razing fangirls in a line of fire. Jete stood and gazed at the dragon, but her eyes soon riveted on a tall blond elf, hurling...... pancakes? He seemed to be quite proficient at this particular skill, never missing his mark. Still, he never would have lasted if ISPCE hadn't come. He turned around, and Jete started. The elf was none other than Legolas.  
  
'So this is the elf we came to save,' Jete thought. 'It's a good thing Moon isn't here.'  
  
At that moment, she spotted a fangirl creeping up behind him with a rope. Jete opened her mouth to call a warning, but another voice cried over the battle clamor.  
  
"LEGOLAS! BEHIND YOU!"  
  
The elf turned as Smaug swooped down and engulfed the girl with a fireball.  
  
Jete stood stunned and watched the girl writhe in agony, clutching at her hair, her blue eyes pleading. Suddenly it struck the agent that this girl, now being pushed through a portal, reminded her of Moon; indeed, if Moon had been there, that very well could have been her. The thought made her sick. She turned and looked at the other girls, mostly under control by now. Any one of them could be Moon. Their only fault was too much love, to the point of obsession, and that could be cured. Moon's progress made that plain enough.  
  
'Then why must we risk agents this way?' Jete wondered. 'If we can prevent this rather than deal with it......'  
  
Sarah's approach made her store the thought for another time. They helped Iddo get his allergies under control, and then portaled back to ISPCE.  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
Flor-gurl, could I include a Frodo fangirl? Well, I think you've done a good job of that in your fic, so I'll leave it at that. (hey, and no leaking secrets, and I mean it!)  
  
Phaidra, Woah! Hold on, girl! Yes, help is definitely needed. Did you ask Flor-gurl for an application to the fangirl conversion society? I hear the prez and vp are experts. ;) Glad you like the troll, and Cheeseball's pov. You'll see more of that in the next chappy.  
  
Hiri, yes, I think this battle is the connecting point for all these spin- offs. Especially the part where liliac yells, "LEGOLAS! BEHIND YOU!"  
  
Liliac, thanx. And that's not the point. The point is, tell me an allergy that he might have (wink, wink) and I'll tell you if he does (wink, wink) or not, because he has so many that I can't remember them all. (wink, wink) But I'm not asking for suggestions, because that's not allowed. (wink, wink) Get the picture?  
  
Malfoyelf, naw, I don't think red in blue will look good on her. Definitely a shimmery white type deal. And I'm not looking for things he reacts to, so much as his reaction. Er...... I mean...... I'm not looking for anything! Nope, not a thing! (see liliac's review response) 


	7. i'm tryin' to forget that i'm addicted t...

He slunk under the table and behind the box, not wishing to be found by this new creature. The smaller one was preoccupied with the arrival of the other, and now was the perfect time to escape.  
  
He crept toward the door, glancing back at the ajar closet door. The small one was in there, with the two. Where was the Lady? She had run out to turn off that awful noise, but hadn't come back. The Lady surely wouldn't allow the two, and the small one wouldn't last long. Or would it?  
  
He pondered this thought as he slipped into the outer room.  
  
The Lady had held the small one, and the other large one hadn't left yet. But why? It had been this way for so long: him and the Lady, the Lady and him, with occasional visits form the Man. Why change? Well, the one large one wasn't bad. She fed him. But the other large one paid no attention, and the small one was altogether too curious.  
  
Wait, the blue light again! Who is it? Please, not another! No...... It's the Lady! And the Lady's Lady, and the Man! The Lady is back!  
  
_____________________________  
  
Jete emerged from the portal, half supporting Iddo. Sarah was on the other side, ensuring that he didn't topple. Just before they opened the portal, the wind had kicked up, throwing dust in their faces. Of course, Iddo was allergic to the dust, and was now experiencing a loss of balance.  
  
"Think I can stand on my own now, sweetness, " he told them.  
  
"You sure?" Sarah asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They moved away, and Iddo teetered for a minute. Then he took a step into the air, obviously thinking the floor was higher than it was. Jete let out a small cry as he tipped over and fell flat on his face. Cheeseball darted towards him and sniffed at his hair.  
  
"I'm ok," Iddo said. "Survived worse."  
  
Moon appeared in the doorway as Jete scooped the tola into her arms.  
  
"Oh, Jete. You're...... back."  
  
"Yeah," she replied. "Come help me drag Iddo downstairs."  
  
"Nah, just leave me," he said, turning on his back. "Be fine in a sec."  
  
"OK," Moon said, and darted back into the workroom. Immediately suspicious, Jete quickly followed, just in time to see the girl close the closet door. Jete caught a glimpse of pink, and candle smoke and strains from the LotR soundtrack wafted from the small room.  
  
Jete closed her eyes in despair, realizing that the work had been in vain. Moon was only pretending to get better.  
  
"How could you do this?"  
  
"I-I didn't know you'd be back so soon," Moon stuttered.  
  
"You lied to me!"  
  
"What?" The fangirl looked utterly confused.  
  
"You just pretended to be getting better!" Jete accused. "Hiding it in the closet, laughing at my efforts!"  
  
"No, I—"Moon began, but Jete went on.  
  
"You should never have come here. If that's how it's going to be, just go back to your 'sues!"  
  
"Jete, will you listen to me?" Moon stepped close and lowered her voice. "I have not been pretending. I really have been getting better, just by being here, and I can prove it." She took a deep breath. "My name, my real name, is Eran Hall."  
  
Jete looked skeptically at the closet door.  
  
"I know, I know," Moon, er...... Eran said. "That's...... something else. You have to see for yourself. Please don't be mad," she added as she crept toward the door. Her hand on the doorknob, she lifted her finger to her lips. "Shhh......"  
  
She half opened the door and stepped back for Jete to peer in. What she saw made her gasp.  
  
Filling one end of the closet was a low table draped with a cloth printed with what looked like a view of the Shire. The top was dominated by various lit votive candles, burning incense, a CD player, and a large framed photograph of a brightly smiling Pippin.  
  
Sitting cross-legged on a pink shag rug before the makeshift altar was a teenage girl. She was wearing dark grey capri's, no shoes, and a white tank top with a picture of the hobbit identical to the one on the altar. She had a thick, wild head of short, wavy, deep red hair, and dark eyes above her pixyish nose. She held a thick pillar candle in one hand, and with the other she slowly turned the pages of a photo album. She was staring fixatedly at the pages filled with pictures of Pippin.  
  
Jete stepped back in shock, and Eran closed the door softly.  
  
"She came through just after Sarah left, before the portal closed," Eran explained as they made their way to a workbench. "She calls herself Neselethurest Luminoushire Pipsangelever."  
  
Jete looked at her in amazement.  
  
"How can you remember that?"  
  
Eran shrugged. "Photographic memory. Anyway, she's really bad, as you can see. She won't even let me shorten her name. She really needs help. Please?"  
  
"Does she even want help?"  
  
"Yes. She said she does this," here the girl indicated the closet, "every day at noon, and she gets depressed when she doesn't."  
  
"And she really wants help," Jete clarified. Eran nodded. The ISPCE agent glanced at the closet door and sighed.  
  
"OK."  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
As asked, there was another Cheeseball pov. And now you all know Moon's real name. But, evil me, now you have to wonder about Neselethurest Luminoushire Pipsangelever. Ha, ha, ha. I feel powerful.  
  
NOTICE!! TAKE NOTE! NOTE THIS! THIS IS A NOTIFICATION! THIS IS HERE TO NOTIFY YOU! Do I have your attention yet? Good! Ok, Flor_gurl, author of the Fangirl Conversion Society (which is a spin-off of this fic), needs some fangirls and employees/agents for her next chapter. Since she needs them for the very next chapter she writes, she can't tell you herself. So I'm telling you. We are hoping that everyone who reads the Fangirl Conversion Society also reads this. So, if you would like to be one, if you know someone who would like to be one, if you know someone whom you want to press into indentured servant hood, or even if you just know some good names, PLEASE contact Flor_gurl or me, either through reviews or email. Thank you.  
  
Phaidra, I hope you get in. The agents can practically work miracles, and I would hate to see you wasted on fangirldom.  
  
Hiri, that's a good idea...... er, I mean, you're very perceptive. Yes, he does. Though it's not quite so specific, and he needs to have direct contact with the nail polish. He gets a rash from glittery polish, temporary anemia from the quick-dry stuff, and bloody noses from the cheap dollar store polish. The expensive good kinds don't really do anything, except for purple. All purple things make him loose feeling wherever it touches him. Something in the dye I think.  
  
Flor_gurl, well, here's another chapter, as you specified, and I let loose a secret or two. I don't know if you can post now, or if you're still waiting for another secret. Let me know. Yay, good job. Yes, I encourage anyone who thinks she (or he, Eru forbid) is in danger of fangirlitis to apply. It will do a world of good. 


	8. don't be alarmed if I fall head over fee...

I am tremendously sorry for the long wait, but I was basing this on events in another fic, and since that one hasn't been updated either, it looks as though I'll have to take matters into my own hands.

* * *

Neseléthurëst Luminoushire Pipsangelevër sat serenely on Jete's worktable, scribbling in a spiral bound notebook. Jete was attempting to get information from her, but the re.dhead seemed convinced that she lived in Middle Earth.

"So now, wait a minute, Nessie," Jete said.

"You make me sound like a sea monster," She replied without looking up. " My name is Neseléthurëst Luminoushire Pipsangelevër " Her voice had a strange half-lisp, half French accent to it.

"Um… ok. So you've never seen the Lord of the Rings movie?"

The gi.rl shook her head.

"I had no idea they had made a documentary on our lives. In truth, I suspect it deviates from actuality."

"Then how did you get those pictures of Pippin?"

"I took them myself, of course."

She looked down to see what was tugging her pant leg and saw the cave troll. Her calm demeanor instantly shattered. She stood on the table, shrinking against the wall and clutching her notebook to her chest.

"Auugh! Get it away! Get it away! Don't tough me, you filthy animal! Help! Get it away!"

Startled, Cheeseball jumped off Eran's shoulder and darted away. The blond held out her hand.

"Erol, come here," she said. The troll obediently waddled to her and she scooped him up, balancing him on her hip like a toddler.

"Erol?" Jete questioned.

"Um… I took the liberty of naming him while you were gone," Eran said. "It means strength. I hope you don't mind."

"Uh, sure, I mean, not, I don't mind…" the distracted agent turned her attention back to the Pippin fangirl who was still whimpering on the desk.

"Look, Thistle-knee, calm down."

The re.dhead glared at her.

"Neseléthurëst Luminoushire Pipsangelevër."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's talk about Pippin, shall we?"

The gi.rl's demeanor brightened considerably.

"How long have you liked him?"

"Oh, all my life!"

Jete raised an eyebrow.

"Well, perhaps not my entire life, but it is difficult to imagine life without his presence."

"Can you remember when you first met him?" She choked a bit on the word 'met.'

"Certainly. We were in the Shire, and he and his cousin were up to some sort of mischief, but somehow, whether through destiny or design I know not, I chanced upon him and since, my days have only been dark when he is not near."

"Mmm-hmmm. When was this? How long ago?"

"Approximately two years an a half before this time."

"Right," Jete said, noting it as the time LotR was released. She took a breath and asked the key question.

"Why do you like him?"

Neseléthurëst Luminoushire Pipsangelevër stared at Jete for a moment in seeming utter incomprehension. Then she said, "Why do you like blue hair?"

Jete involuntarily touched her hair, messy and spiky and crayon blue but for a shimmering white lock at her forehead. "I-I never really thought about it before. I guess I just do."

The gi.rl nodded.

'Great,' Jete thought. 'She doesn't have a reason. That makes it more difficult.'

Suddenly, a low, hoarse yell from the closet interrupted them. The door burst open and all three gi.rls turned to see the figure that came crashing through.

The young man was tall and muscular, and his khaki cloak identified him as from the Decoy and Subterfuge Department. His longish black hair fell in his face, and his clear violet eyes were full of panic and confusion.

Both Jete and Eran stared at him, eyes wide and jaws grazing the floor. Only the new fangirl seemed unfazed.

"Is there something you wish?" she asked him.

He looked to both sides, looked behind him, and then turned a full circle, looking bewildered.

"Umm, is this the Tech Department?" he asked.

Jete recovered enough to stand and stammer out, "Uh… yes… uh, this is my workroom, I, uh, I fix things."

Eran just stared.

He glanced questioningly at the fangirls.

"Are these your assistants?"

"Um, uh, … yes! Yes, they are my… assistants… who… help me fix the… things."

"I am not," the red-hai.red fangirl protested. "I have but recently arrived and am here solely for—"

"Yes!" Jete interrupted. "Uh, yes. She is new, and hasn't had time to get acquainted…"

"Can I speak with you for a moment?" He indicated the door to the main tech room.

Jete excused herself. Once the door was closed behind them, she turned to him with a nervous smile.

"Hi, I'm Jete Kadesh."

"Gaib Ruel," he said absently. "What's in that room back there?"

"R-room?"

"The little one, the one I came out of."

"The closet?" Jete said in a small voice.

Gaib's eyes narrowed.

"Why is there a pink rug in there? And an altar? To Peregrin Took?"

Jete sighed and leaned on the door.

"Ok. I'm… taking care of a fangirl. The one with the red hair." She laughed a little. "The one with Pippin plastered on her shirt. I'm helping her get over her obsession."

"And the other gi.rl?"

"Another fangirl," Jete admitted. "Legolas. But she's made great progress!"

"You do know that harboring fangirls of any kind, but especially those of elves, is strictly against ISPCE rules?"

"Yeah, I know, but this could completely revolutionize our thinking. What if we could cure fangirls? Then they wouldn't be a danger to elves."

"What makes you think this is even possible?" Gaib asked.

"Eran, the blond one, is so much better than when she first came here; I really think that with a little more work she'll be cured." Jete looked at him thoughtfully. "And I think you can help."

Gaib sighed.

"Well, ok. But if there's no results in… a week, I'll have to report it."

"Great! So… did you already have supper?"

"Jete, it's two in the afternoon."

* * *

Sorry for all the periods in the words, but my computer was being stupid and kept deleting those words.

Phaidra, I'm glad you like Cheeseball. He's been with me for a long time. And, yes, I liked Neseléthurëst Luminoushire Pipsangelevër too. Sorry I forgot the little punctuation marks in the last chapter. She gets touchy about those. And good for you! I'm sure you're getting lots of help. And don't worry about Jete. She has lots of help too.

Hiri, what's the "Ah I see…" for?

Flor-gurl, haven't talked to you for a while. I trust everything's all right. Thank you, I am a genius. I don't have a photographic memory, with or without film, but I always wished I did, if only because it would be cool.


	9. love is in the air

"Pip, have you seen Eran?" Jete asked.  
  
It had been almost a month since she recruited Gaib's help. He had been a bit confused by his assignment, but had faithfully visited each day, conversing, immersed in paperwork, or simply sitting. Neseléthurëst Luminoushire Pipsangelevër feigned indifference, but the simple fact that she allowed her name to be shortened to Pip attested otherwise. She had also reverted to plain t-shirts, and her noon "worship time" had degenerated to fifteen minutes with her album and a scented candle (though the candle wasn't just for "worship." Jete soon discovered that Pip loved candles and incense in general) Despite her progress, she still carried a spiral bound notebook with her, and refused to let anyone read it, probably for fear of someone calling it the 'sue it was.  
  
Eran, however, was almost completely normal, save for the pendant she wore somewhat negligently, and the periods of time where she disappeared, only to offer vague explanations upon her return.  
  
"Not since breakfast this morning." Pip answered Jete's question and returned to her writing.  
  
"I swear, some day I'll put a tracker on that ."  
  
"Why don't you ask the information guy?" Pip shooed a curious Cheeseball away from her. "Doesn't he know everything?"  
  
"Well, not everything," Jete said, "......but pretty flipping close. I'll be right back."  
  
Down in Iddo's basement office, his "center of operations" as he called it, Jete weaved through file cabinets, stacks of paper and old computer printouts to reach his "terminal." This was a wraparound desk with its open end facing the corner. It was littered with several computer monitors, dozens of file folders spilling papers, empty fast-food containers, and endless wires. Jete wondered briefly how Iddo managed to work in this varied mess without breaking out in some sort of allergic reaction.  
  
Iddo sat at a monitor, wearing headphones and tapping away at the keyboard.  
  
"Iddo!"  
  
He looked up and took off his headphones.  
  
"Do you know where Eran is?" Jete asked.  
  
"Sure." He turned around and called softly. "Sweetness, the boss is here."  
  
Nestled on a cot in the corner, and half hidden by a small bookcase, was Eran. She had apparently dozed off while reading. Iddo went to her, took the book, and shook her gently.  
  
"Eran, c'mon, luv, wake up."  
  
Jete raised an eyebrow.  
  
"'Luv'?"  
  
Iddo looked up guiltily, his neck turning red.  
  
"Well, I mean... you know..."  
  
Eran stirred and sat up.  
  
"Oh, hey, Jete. Do I have to come back? We were going to go to Vo Wacune."  
  
"Um... could I talk to you for a minute, Eran?" Jete said.  
  
"Sure. Be right back, Iddo."  
  
Once they were past the stairwell, Jete turned to her charge.  
  
"Is this where you come all the time?"  
  
Eran nodded.  
  
"What do you guys do?" Jete asked suspiciously.  
  
"Wha'd'ya mean?" Eran asked. Then swift comprehension crossed her face. "No! I mean, he's nice and all, and I really like him... we go places, like, different worlds with the portals. Nothing intimate... at least, not really intimate."  
  
Jete looked at her incredulously.  
  
"You've been sneaking away to go on dates with Iddo?"  
  
"I wouldn't call it sneaking. I just walked out."  
  
Jete suddenly noticed something.  
  
"Where's your charm?"  
  
"Charm?"  
  
"Your Legolas angel."  
  
"Oh. I gave it to Iddo, and he threw it off the edge of the world."  
  
"The world's round, Eran"  
  
"Not the world we went to. It was kinda symbolic. He gave me this instead." She pulled a delicate silver chain from under her shirt. From it dangled a silver moon with a tiny diamond on the bottom tip of the crescent.  
  
Jete gaped.  
  
"No more Legolas?"  
  
Eran smiled. "No more Legolas."  
  
On the way back upstairs, Jete pondered this. It needed to be tested, and she knew just the way. All it needed was a talk with Gaib and the cooperation of his department buddies.

* * *

Well, we're reaching the end here, so if there's something you wanted to say, you better say it quick.  
  
Hiri, yes, I was waiting for Huinesoron. I think we should all get together and flood his email or something. He's been very lax of late. I've stopped even checking his fics.  
  
Phaidra, yes, she has problems, but none of them incurable, except maybe the mary sue fics. I'm glad you're getting help. Before long you should be normal, or at least, as normal as the rest of us lotr freaks.  
  
Flor-gurl, thanks. I really didn't think that chapter was very funny, but I'm glad you did. Well, now you can do whatever you want with Gaib. Who was it that had him? Was it Phaidra? Well, congratulations, whoever it is. He is one hot agent.  
  
My dear annabeth, I'm glad you finally read it. I'm sorry, I never actually noticed you hadn't. it's not a story that you need to read the first ones to get the plot. It's more like part of a series. 


	10. Drumroll please

"What are you writing?" Eran asked Pip, not for the first time.

"You can't read it until I'm finished," Pip said stubbornly. "It's an idea I had a long time ago, but thought was stupid."

Eran sighed and looked at her watch. 11:42. Iddo was planning some sort of surprise for her, and said she couldn't come until noon. Well, maybe if she walked_ real _slow...

Without even bidding farewell, she left the room. She wandered aimlessly through the halls, wishing time didn't creep so slowly. She turned a blind corner and almost ran into a man.

"Oh, sorry," she muttered. Then she looked again. He wasn't a man, he was an elf. A blond elf, with a quiver of arrows at his back, and a long knife strapped to his side. Legolas.

"Excuse me, my lady," he said, looking utterly confused, "but I seem to have lost my way. I passed unexpectedly through a doorway and have come upon this place, wholly unfamiliar to me. If you would but guide me to the path leading toward Rivendell, I should be fortunate indeed."

Something deep inside her, some ghost of her past that she had expelled from her mind, whispered urgently that she should tackle the unsuspecting elf, that he must not get away. In the space of a heartbeat, she considered the offer. Then her watch beeped, signaling the hour of twelve, and she was jerked to reality. Eran looked at Legolas in mild irritation that he delayed her, and she silently ridiculed the last fading wisp of Honeyblossom Moonsugardew Starlet Rain.

"I'd like to help you, but it's a bit complicated and I don't have the time," she answered, glancing again at her watch impatiently. "If you go down this hall to the end, turn right and follow that stairwell up until you come to the green sector, you will find the reception desk. Someone there should be able to help you."

"Thank you." Legolas nodded his gratitude and turned down the hall.

Eran watched for a moment to be sure he knew the way, and then hurried down to the basement.

...............................................................................

Brent, now wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and khaki cloak, sipped his coffee and glanced at Jete from his perch on the desk.

"Thanks for helping us out like this," she was saying.

"No prob," he said, wincing as he liberated a lock of his blond hair from Erol's curious grasp. "My job gets kinda boring when you guys do your jobs right. 'sides, I've had more than my fill of fangirls, and if you've found a way to cure them, I'll help any way I can. Just lucky you convinced G to ask. He's a little narrow-minded."

Gaib grinned from his chair.

"It's not like I had any choice. She threatened to put me in the 'sueifyer!"

Brent squinted at his friend.

"You'd make a butt-ugly 'sue," he commented.

"What other kind is there?" Gaib countered.

Jete changed the subject.

"How long have you been a decoy, Brent?"

"Mmm... 'bout four years."

"Did it take long to get used to... everything?"

"Only the ears." He touched the pointy appendages. "It felt like they'd been mauled by a bear for about a month after the surgery."

"Is the hair real?"

Brent grinned proudly.

"Yep! One hundred percent natural, and as gorgeous as if I just stepped out of the salon."

"Geeze," Gaib said disgustedly, "You're even starting to _sound_ like an elf!"

Brent shrugged.

"Hey, four years of play-acting, something's bound to rub off."

"Eran didn't even twitch?" Jete asked.

"Nope. She looked a little peeved, like I just interrupted something. I think she's cured for good."

"Congratulations, Jete," Gaib said. "I'll take the proposal to our head of tactics and strategies first thing tomorrow. Who knows, you might even get your own department."

Jete felt a deep satisfaction, and turned to look at her other charge, only to find that Pip had stopped her perpetual writing and stood holding her closed notebook.

"It's finished," Pip said softly. She offered the notebook to Jete.

The ISPCE agent opened it warily and read aloud.

"'White Horse Upon Green, part one. By Yvette Charleson.' Yvette? Is that your name?"

She nodded.

"Continue, please."

"'Ride on, ride on, soldiers of Eorl!' The marshal shouted above the deafening noise of horse's hooves on ground, and men's war cries. The orcs were retreating; they had chased them long, and over many miles to fight and now the remaining survivors were in close reach. The ground was hard, and vegetation scarce as spring was just beginning to arrive in the plains." Jete quickly scanned the rest of the page, then flipped through some more pages. "This is really good."

Yvette smiled shyly.

"No more 'sues. If Eran can do it, I can too."

Jete looked around at her friends with tears of joy in her eyes.

"Two down," she said.

With an odd mixture of desolation and hope, Gaib completed, "Only the couple odd million to go."

......................................................................

Well, there you have it. My fic is now complete. I leave it to Flor-gurl to chronicle the events of fangirl curing. White Horse Upon Green is an actual fic, and it's really good. It's written by A. E. Hall, who is not named Yvette, and as far as I know, is not and has never been a pip luster. She, by the way, has given me permission to use what little I have of her story, and to recommend you to read it. Honestly, it's a very well written serious fic about Eomer. You should read it.

Phaidra, thank you for reviewing, I hope it's given you courage in your own struggle. ï and I understand what you mean. I'm 48.5% insane myself. Not quite unsane yet, but almost.

Hirilnara, yes, please do. I hope nothing he may now write will clash with what I've done. Thanks for all your support.

Flor-gurl, yeah, who would've thought? I know I didn't until I wrote it. I pass the baton to you, you have free reign over Eran, Iddo, Gaib, Brent, Yvette, Erol, and Cheeseball. You have limited reign over Jete. After all, she is me, so I should have a say.

A. E. Hall, thanks for the first paragraph of your fic. I hope others like it as much as I do.

To all my other reviewers, malfoyelf, kittycatblack, liliac, huinesoron, and any others I may have missed because my stupid computer won't let me see a whole page of my reviews (I've read them, I just don't remember them) thank you for your support, and I hope you all won't be too brokenhearted that this is over.

Special thanks to the pancake & co. writers, Huinesoron, Hirilnara, and liliac of the purple cloak, for inspiring this work of... art? Whatever it is, you had a hand in it. Just don't run away screaming.

Well, there's nothing more to be said, except maybe... YES! FINALLY, I'M DONE!!!


End file.
